European markets shaken by fears for Italy, Spain (AP) -- Shaken perhaps, but not stirred. "Now Miss Moneypenny, how about I open this bottle of Bollinger, you drop your knickers and we proceed for a shag?"
Fed divided over more stimulus as economy weakens (WSJ) -- Some members want QE3.. others do not. And most on Wall St. are sucking on their thumbs, putting their other hand down their pants, and holding their breath until they get their free money.. Wahhh Wahhh~
Shoplifting: Is It Good for the Economy? (CNBC) -- A higher increase of employees are shoplifting which is supposed to be good because supposedly it means they feel more secure in their jobs. '5-finger discounts' are fine but let's just hope day-care workers don't start feeling too secure in their jobs.
Netflix raises rates, irks subscribers (AP) -- Yes a 60% rate increase. On the plus side, you're still saving a lot of money to watch Pauly Shore movies on Netflix vs buying them on DVD.
Global Ad Spend Returning to Pre-Crisis Level (CNBC) -- Goodie, more noxious 'happy-funny' ads using sex and puns to sell me shit I don't need with money I don't have. Luckily, I hawked the TV to have $ to eat or I'd really be tense...
Australia puts health warnings on booze bottles (AP) -- New warning will say 'Warning: Purchasing "Root" Beer will neither get you drunk or get you closer to getting laid. ("Root" is Aussie-slang for F**king)
Customer sues after bank declares her dead (MSNBC) -- A woman claims Chase bank destroyed her credit rating after being declared dead. When the woman found out, she busted through her coffin and 6 feet of dirt in a fit of rage.
Pfizer May Unload Businesses Worth More Than $16B (USA Today) -- Don't worry guys, your monthly Viagra supply is safe from disruption.
Man's penis cut off, put through garbage disposal (AP) -- OK, maybe some men have more to worry about